the reason for my long silence

At long last, I can break my silence and explain why I’ve been away from this blog for so long. It’s because I was afraid I would spill the beans before the time was right.

I am pleased to announce that Hubby and I are expecting, and I’m due at the end of April. The ultrasound pic at the right was taken about 6 weeks ago, during my 1st appointment at the High Risk OB (consultation regarding my ADD medication).

So far, things are going well for both me and the little one. Our offspring has a good strong heartbeat, and it danced around a ton during the ultrasound! We have our real ultrasound next month, and will have more information then about its development thus far. The pregnancy has been quite easy for me overall. I had very little morning sickness, other than some food aversions and mild nausea at odd times of the day. It only lasted for about 3 weeks, and the worst of it went away when I stopped taking the fish oil supplement (prenatal vitamin adjunct).

A note about fish oil that’s relevant for ADDers, pregnant or not: This might sound stupid, but do not try taking it at night. For a month, I took it with my regular prenatal vitamin at dinner, and I had insomnia for that entire month. It was miserable. The insomnia decreased when I switched to taking it in the morning, and it helped a little bit with concentration. Notwithstanding, a single capsule was murder on my stomach. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so awful if I hadn’t been in the middle of morning sickness, but I’m also not convinced that it wasn’t the cause of the morning sickness itself.

Medication has been a bit tricky, at least at first. I was switched to a new pdoc around the same time I had the positive pregnancy test. Amazingly, my new pdoc has ADD, and she’s been amazingly helpful and supportive with troubleshooting my medication. We tried various options: I dropped back to 10mg of ritalin 3x/day, then 5 mg 3x/day, on the way to the goal of 0 mg of ritalin 0x/day. I was frustrated and miserable at 5mg, and barely functional at 10mg, but I stuck with that dose for a month before going to the aforementioned high risk OB consultation. The three high risk OBs I’ve now worked with in that office have actually been the most supportive of my medication. One of them even said to me, “If you need this medication to function, you need it to function. Period.” Their acceptance was amazingly refreshing. Of course, the reality is that we won’t know for some time if my medication has done any harm… keep your fingers crossed for us, please!

Work issues have been resolving themselves. I met with my department chair today to let him know about our upcoming addition, and he was very supportive. It looks like we will be able to put some plans into place in advance to handle my inevitable absence at the end of the spring semester, and I have some decisions to make about using my summer funding, stopping the tenure clock for next year, etc. I have time to make these decisions, fortunately. This was a big relief, but it’s really the small things at work that have made it more stressful for me this semester. For example, I outgrew most of my work pants around 6-8 weeks of pregnancy, and now I’m starting to outgrow my work shirts. I don’t look particularly pregnant, just  a bit pot-bellied… The second “minor” issue is H1N1 flu. It’s going around on my campus, and I’ve had at least a dozen students out sick with it. I was able to get the H1N1 vaccine over a week ago, but still have a few days until I will have full immunity against all the nasty germs my students are sneezing and coughing all over the place. Yuck!

All in all, everything’s going far better than we’d anticipated, and I can only hope that things continue to go this smoothly between now and the end of April!

feeling like an irresponsible grown-up

After all the hooplah over the past year, this is what I feel like doing while at work these days:

• Playing Scrabulous! on Facebook
• Shopping for carpet, area rugs, washer, dryer, fridge, stove, and microwave/fan for the new house
• Making appointments for everything that needs to get done that is not related to work (e.g., car repairs, haircut, massage, annual eye exam, etc.)
• Shopping for a new dress for an upcoming summer wedding
• Booking the rental car for the upcoming out-of-state summer wedding
• Booking the moving truck for our move 9 days after the summer wedding
• Catching up on my subscribed blogs (of course!)

Note that these items do not appear on this list:

• Reviewing a manuscript for the third time (why, oh why, does the editor keep avoiding rejecting it? I think it sucks and am so sick of looking at it….)
• Starting one of my three new papers that I’ll work on for the next year
• Reading about stats I really need to learn for one of these new papers
• Finishing revisions to a paper I’ve been working on for several years
• Starting to draft syllabi for my fall classes
• Starting IRB application materials for my fall and spring pilot studies
• Finishing my postdoc work-related responsibilities
• Eating lunch (bad, bad Dr. Addled!)

Even taking my medication, I can’t focus worth beans or make myself do anything productive at work. All the  while I feel really, really super-stressed about it. I’ve taken three days off in the last three weeks but each of these days was spent in New City (e.g., house-hunting, faculty & student meetings, etc.). What weekend time I’ve had has been dedicated to early packing (!) and mortgage applications.

I think I just really need a day off that’s truly a day off…  I think I’m going to pick the day with the best weather forecast, stay home, turn off the phone and the computer, and take the time to read and relax, all in the name of better productivity at the office.

invitation for contributions

If you’re a reader who has an idea for a contribution, this is your invitation to contribute to this blog. Please contact me using the form on the “about me” page. Send me a brief outline of your idea, your desired contributor name, and an email address. If it sounds like a good match, I’ll set you up with a contributor login for this page.

The reason for this invitation: I have always wanted this blog to include more perspectives than just my own. I’m an early career social scientist. The viewpoints of a mid-career biological scientist or a graduate student in humanities could be very different than mine. Others’ strategies for managing their ADD might be different, too.  We should all be learning from each other, right?

making lemonade out of lemons

I am not a spoiled baby. Now that I’ve had a decent night’s sleep, I am better able reframe this as an opportunity for growth versus a glaring sign that I suck.

Instead of thinking about how underimpressed I was by the grad students, I’m trying to think about how I’ve never taught a graduate level course. “Weaker” grad students might be a better introduction to graduate-level teaching & mentoring than “strong” graduate students, who are likely to be more demanding and have higher expectations.

If nothing else, I’m done with this whole process for at least 2 more years, and I’ll be free from my lab. Hubby and I can move on with our lives, even if it’s not in the location we really wanted.

I’ll have a good excuse to check out the publishers’ booths when I’m at my national conference next week (i.e., saving time in the long run, while productively using unscheduled free moments during the day).

I’m still going to buy champagne for my grad department’s annual conference party, and attempt to celebrate the positive outcome of my search.

clearly I just suck

I just received a rejection letter from the small liberal arts college I’d visited last week.

• 35 applications
• 12? phone/initial interviews
• 8 campus visit invitations (6 completed visits)
• just 1 offer

Clearly I just suck, given the measly rate of return on all my effort.

still nothing

I wish I could give a more exciting update, but I still don’t have any job offers. I did, however, receive a rejection letter on Friday morning (the “cooking” job). Not a big shocker, nor a huge disappointment. I’m starting to freak out because my options are becoming more and more limited. I leave for a final interview tomorrow at a small, midwestern liberal arts college similiar to my alma mater (Keep your fingers crossed for me, please!. I also just submitted an application for a position overseas, in Hubby’s dad’s current country of residence.

At this point, I’m just feeling resigned and flat. It doesn’t help that I’m in the thick of the PMDD blues (started taking medication again on Thursday, but it’s not working very well yet), and just feel like a distracted piece of crap while trying to prepare for this interview and cope with my phone’s silence.  It also doesn’t help that Hubby’s going through a crisis at work (i.e., is so frustrated that he’s getting closer and closer to walking away and finding something else), and would love for me to get the job in his dad’s current home country. The fact that neither of us really speak the language spoken in this area is not even on his radar, while I start to panic at the thought of having to lecture in a language I haven’t studied in years.

One thing at a time… one thing at a time…. one thing at a time….

two interviews in one week

I did it — I made it through my week with two back-to-back interviews. I didn’t feel extremely tired before I went to bed and slept for 8 hours Friday night, but I woke up Saturday morning feeling pretty worn out. I guess that I made it through the last couple of days on adrenaline? I’m feeling better today (Sunday) but am still dreading tomorrow’s full day of work. Having MLK day off is just a joke!

So, to summarize the interviews… both were in similar departments at two state universities in the same state. The first interview was fine: the faculty were really, really nice, and the job has certain unique perks that aren’t offered elsewhere (sorry can’t be more specific; these perks are very ADD and “Dr. Addled” – friendly!). Unfortunately, I didn’t feel much of a connection with the department, faculty or students, and suspected that I’d have few if any options for collaborative research. Also, the teaching load was pretty high (3-3; 3 classes each semester). The second interview at the “better” university went much better in all respects, even if the “perks” aren’t built-in to the position: the faculty and students were fantastic, and the environment itself is very conducive to collaborative research. The faculty and students clearly want a new faculty member who can do strong research, but this person must be able to play well with others, so to speak. The teaching load is lower (a 2-2 load, which means I’d teach 2 classes each semester). Interestingly, the research expectations were the same at both institutions, and the salary at University #2 is much higher than at University #1. Faculty at uni #2 responded very favorably to my job talk, and the students seemed ready to help me pack my moving truck at the drop of a hat.

After just a few hours at Uni #2, I felt very comfortable there, and felt like I was “clicking” with the faculty and students. I even started to have fun, which is by no means univeral on interviews! This sense was strong enough that I felt I could safely disclose that I am married (something that freaks out some academics – come on, like my 6mm wedding band isn’t already a clue?!?). I hope this wasn’t a tactical error, but would be surprised if it makes a difference (e.g., all the current faculty are married, so why would it be a problem for me other than my saying so might make me look unprofessional?). As it happens, I later learned that the realtor had “outed” me to the department secretary, who then in turn “outed” me to the search chair. Grr… at least when I brough it up with the department chair, it was my choice! The secretary made a big deal about it right before my job talk, which was more annoying than anything else (i.e., “Is ‘Addled’ your married name? Oh, it’s not? Then what’s your husband’s name if it’s not ‘Addled’?”). Hu’s  behavior was way  more unprofessional than mine, to say the least!

Although I didn’t want to put myself into this position, I will probably be very, very upset if I don’t receive an offer from University #2. The truth is, I will be brokenhearted, because I don’t think the fit can be  better than this. I just hope that the search committee members feel the same way about me. At least I only have to wonder for 2-3 weeks, by which time all the candidates will have visited and the search committee will have had time to deliberate and extend an offer to their top choice.

initial interview recap

The face-to-face initial interview on Friday was not so great. The whole situation was awkward. Having talked to the department’s chair for almost an hour (and not having “clicked” with hu at all), I can honestly say that I’m not a good fit for the position. I do not think I will accept an interview invitation if they offer it.

In the meantime, I was contacted last week for phone interview #6, which will occur later this week. It’s with a research-oriented liberal arts college in the midwest. I’m pretty excited about this opportunity, because I’m a much better fit for this position, and it will let me take my research in an interesting, novel direction. There are also numerous personal advantages to this position in terms of quality of life, hubby’s work situation, and our cultural connections. Overall, this could be a good option!

Hubby is worried about my prospects because my Colleague is getting on-site interview invitations already, and I haven’t had any follow-up interest. Colleague has WAY more pubs than I do and is in a different sub-field, so I’m still trying to be realistic about my chances and optimistic about the better ones. Getting discouraged at this point of the process won’t do me any good, after all.

My supervisor asked Colleague and I to talk about the job search process as part of a small lab meeting tomorrow. This is ok with me, but I’m less motivated because he followed the request with “…I think you should talk about the teaching-oriented institutions because like you, [Female Grad Student] is probably a better fit for those positions.” The tone doesn’t come across in writing, but essentially he was saying that FGS and I belong to a lesser species. Interestingly, FGS was the only other person in the lab who, to my knowledge, was manipulated into finishing a paper in an unreasonably short period of time. Our supervisor even used the same strategy.

During the same conversation, I was invited to stay another year in the lab if I need to… but at this point, I’m really not willing to consider it.

phone interview #4 recap & invitation for virtual research talk

Phone interview #4 went well despite having a rough start. My interview was scheduled for 11 am, but at 11.10 I was still twiddling my thumbs. Then the interviewer sent me a snippy email about “finishing my phone conversation so we could start our scheduled interview.” I emailed them back, said that I wasn’t on the phone and that it wasn’t ringing, and that I was happy to call them in case something was wrong with my phone. We started the interview when I called 3 minutes later, and after we both apologized to the other for the problem (me for an unknown phone problem, them for being snippy in email), we proceeded with the interview. As it turns out, my university’s phone system was malfunctioning yesterday morning, but nobody bothered to tell anybody about it! The only people who really knew were my next-door office neighbor and I, as we were oth expecting phone interviews at 11.

The interview itself seemed good. I had a good rapport with the interviewer, who is particularly interested in my research because they do something similar at another point in development. The questions were good, and permitted me to show my strengths. I know that overall I’m a good fit for the position, and the questions reflected this. Only one threw me for a loop: “What are your general values in life?” Huh? This is not a typical question for a state-funded university, but thankfully, there is no wrong answer per se! The only sticking point for me is that they are interviewing 12-15 people by phone before inviting 3-4 to campus for interviews before Thanksgiving. Like all the other interviews, there’s no way to know how I rank in this short stack. I’ll know more in about 10 days, and will naturally post an update!

Later in the day I received word from the 2nd institution I’d phone interviewed with about two weeks ago. They’ve asked me to do a virtual job talk sometime before Thanksgiving. This will be a half-hour presentation of my research to faculty and grad students, conducted like an internet chat on Skype or MS instant messenger. I am going to do it but am not very enthusiastic at this point. Hubby and I used to chat this way over MS-IM and the connection was generally *awful*. There would be major lags in sound and in the picture, and using picture makes the sound lags worse. I have a feeling that these lags could cause big problems during a virtual job talk. I’m also a bit put off by this; the school is using it as an extra screening tool in order to decide who to invite for on-campus interviews (read: to save money on the search). They hadn’t mentioned it until now because they didn’t know it was an option until recently. My supervisor suspects it’s the “wave of the future” for the job market, because searches are so expensive to conduct. I guess I’ll have to start mounting enthusiasm for it, and start working on my job talk in the meantime!

My next-door office neighbor and I were commiserating yesterday about how tired we are by this point. He was so tired after yesterday’s phone interview (with my #3 phone interview department, for the same position; incidentally, he also has expertise in “Northern Italian cuisine,” does not cook on a stove, and has never taught a class on cuisine) that he wanted to go home and watch tv for the rest of the day! Unfortunately this was not an option for either of us. I’m totally whipped, and can’t motivate myself to do much of anything at this point, despite needing to do lots of stuff to keep on pace.  I suspect that later this week I will take a day *totally off* in order to recuperate from these last two intense months.

phone interview #3 recap

I had my 3rd phone interview on Tuesday morning for the “chef position” at a large state university on the east coast. The phone interview went well, and was almost *fun* in comparison to the previous two phone interviews. I’m not sure how great my chances are, and I’m partially convinced that they called me mostly to confirm that I shouldn’t be on the short list.

Recall that the ad was for somebody who specializes in Northern Italian desserts or cuisine, provided that they do at least some of their cooking with a stove, or possibly a grill. The new faculty member will also be required to teach a course on cuisine, broadly construed.

It became very clear during the conversation that what they really want is somebody to do all the cooking for the rest of the faculty. This is odd… it’s sort of like saying, “We want somebody who can cook for us, and will be content to only add a few side dishes to the menu the rest of us have already planned.”Quite frankly… this makes it sound like what they really want is a postdoc who will be tapped to do all of their assessments, without the faculty being obligated to provide them with any additional training. I’m applying to be a faculty member, dangit, not for a long-term, glorified postdoc position! I get the impression that they’re having trouble finding somebody who is able/willing to do this.

I suspect I won’t be invited to interview on-campus. The search chair ended the call with a confusing remark about how the program has to decide together on a short list, that he can’t predict which factors will ultimately play into the group’s decision, and that they’ll do this within the next 10-14 days. He said he’d get back to me whether or not I’m on the invite list, and if I’m not, he’ll stay in touch afterwards in case anything changes after the on-site interviews or in case another position opens up later on. This is also unusual.

I haven’t been contacted for any other phone interviews this week. I’m trying not to panic yet… after all, the academic job wiki suggests that phone interviews are really just getting started in my discipline. 1-2 new ads were also posted this week. Until things start to look really glum, I will remain hopeful that the right position is out there waiting for me.