zombie students!

I don’t buy in to Freudian-like dream analysis at all. I’ve always subscribed to the theory that dreaming is the product of random neuron firings during our sleep, and that this is one of the ways our brains make memories. Every so often, I have a dream that seems to have symbolic value, and I have to eat my words on this theoretical issue. Early this morning I had one of those dreams.

I dreamed that Hubby and I were back living in Grad School City, and that I was starting seeds for the garden (something I will actually do later this week once my seeds arrive in the mail). Our house was packed with people: my younger brother, a bunch of his friends, long-time family friends, random strangers, etc. I was happily starting nasturium seeds when the dream changed into a zombie dream. One of my students was the zombie who ambled into our house through an window to the back yard, moaning and groaning as they struggled along. Luckily one of my brother’s friends had a baseball bat on hand and took care of it immediately (a la Shawn of the Dead). Most of the rest of the dream was a struggle to fortify the house’s weak points (a la I am Legend), keep the healthy people indoors (I recall going to the park to buy sandwiches at a food stand), and avoid the zombies on the ground (a la Dawn of the Dead). I recall quite a few other students mixed in amongst the zombies on the ground, including the ones I had to avoid while running through the park. As if a sandwich stand would be open during a zombie attack!

I usually *hate* having zombie dreams because they’re typically the scary variety (i.e., the kind where I can get to the phone but can’t make my fingers push the buttons properly). I woke up laughing after this one because I knew its source. No, I don’t actually have undead students who try to eat my brain, and most of them speak instead of moaning and groaning.

It’s not that they’re literally eating my brain, but they are definitely figuritively eating it.  I just hadn’t made the connection until I woke up early this morning after this weird, funny dream. Last night after class I had a queue of over a dozen students who needed to ask me questions. Most of these questions were of the mundane variety, issues that they could have figured out independently if they’d taken the time to look at the syllabus and other course materials.  I didn’t get to leave the classroom until 15 minutes after class officially ended, and then with post-class paperwork, I didn’t get to leave campus until around the time I usually arrive at home. Over the course of the day, I received at least a half-dozen other emails with similar inquiries. I felt so brain-dead by the time I arrived home that I just had to go for a walk instead of doing other work or home-management tasks.

Clearly I really need spring break. Good thing it’s coming soon! I can spend this time fortifying our house and building a panic room in our attic…

being “outed”

Disclaimer: I am not one of those psychologists who buys into dream analysis. My professional opinion is that dreams are the product of neurons firing semi-randomly while we sleep (I say “semi-randomly” because it usually is random, but may be less random when we’re stressed or thinking about certain things more than others. During those times, the “stress” pathways are more likely to be activated than others). The brain superimposes a “story” on the randomness to create order in the jumble.

When I’m stressed, historically it comes out in my dreams. A few days ago, I had a very vivid dream about testing some new lab equipment at work. This isn’t unusual in reality; whenever we get new software, tests, etc. that will be used in research, somebody has to be the “guinea pig” and get tested so others can learn how to use it. In this dream, I was helping with a purported test of executive function (EF). The way EF was assessed was through eye movement. I volunteered to be a “training subject,” and completed the procedure in front of my full lab (25+ people, counting the boss, the other postdocs, permanent staff members, grad and undergrad research assistants). We had a staff meeting after the training session was completed, during which my boss announced “All of your results were in the range of normal, except for one person’s, which was consistent with adult ADD/ADHD. Addled, do you have something you’d like to tell us?”

At that point I naturally forced myself to wake up. Being “outed” at work does not make for a good dream!

The threat of being outed is scary, regardless of one’s chosen vocation. Like others, I am very scared of being “outed” in the academy. Admitting that I have a slightly different brain is particularly threatening in an environment that’s all about what’s going on in one’s head, and consequently, the scholarly product that comes from said mental activity. Although it is always at the back of my mind, I haven’t recently been worried about being “outed” at the office. I “pass” for neurotypically normal most of the time. Just like everything else, “passing” is harder at times of intense stress. The only way people will really know for certain is if I tell them.  I know that I am fortunate in this regard, and that not everybody is.

Recently, I have been feeling badly about outing somebody else who couldn’t “pass,” and I think this is the source of the dream. I’m not sure why I’m still beating myself up about it, because it was 10 years ago, this person and I stopped talking a few weeks afterwards, and most likely neither of us are still in contact with the people who witnessed the “outing incident.” This person had major hyperactivity and impulsivity symptoms, which (in retrospect!) can be quite overstimulating to an inattentive like me. Regardless, it doesn’t make it right that I did it. I still wish I could apologize, even though it would only help alleviate my (overly-) guilty conscience.

Have you been outed, in an academic or non-academic context? If so, what happened, and what were the consequences?