literally sick and tired (not mad)

I have been sick for the last 3 days, and have one foot out my office door as I write this. Nothing serious… just a bad case of the sniffles, which means I now have a raw nose and upper lip.

I did the video job talk yesterday, and it was ok. The Skype call only dropped once (hooray), and there were only a couple of minutes that the lag prevented me from understanding the folks on the other end. I can only hope that they received me as well! Overall, it was fine, and just generally unremarkable.

I went home sick shortly afterwards, and spent the rest of the day on the couch before going to bed very early (courtesy of nyquil).  Sometime yesterday afternoon I received a call from another university informing me that I’m on their short list (top 4), and should be receiving a formal campus interview invitation sometime soon. This was surprising and good.

In the meantime, the campus interview for the public college (the one about which I’d previously been unenthusiastic) has been scheduled. It will take place in the middle of next week. My plane ticket has been booked. Now I just have to find a blouse, belt, and shoes to go with the new suit I bought over a week ago!

Time for more nyquil… more later.

sometimes things turn around in 24 hours

Thank goodness sometimes things turn around in a day.

The good news: about an hour ago, I received a campus interview invitation for a great position at a mid-sized Ph.D.-granting institution on the east coast. I’ll visit them in January, and I’m going to talk with the search chair on the phone this weekend. As it happens, I went to grad school with one of their current faculty members.

The less-good news: this is a position in “cooking techniques,” so I’ll have to change my job talk entirely. Instead of focusing on French or Italian desserts, I will need to focus on how said desserts are made. At least I’ll have 6-8 weeks to prepare! If I get the job, I will need to prep new classes entirely from scratch, and yes, these will include graduate-level classes on statistics and methodology.

At least it’s good news instead of another rejection… and at least it’s my phone ringing for once, instead of my colleague’s.

<later>
Sometimes they continue to turn around… a few hours later, I received another interview invitation for early December. It’s a funny coincidence that the two positions are at totally different types of universities that are located within 100 miles of each other.

My practice job talk went well, but today was my first and hopefully only 4-dose day (12 hour workday). I am tired, but not so tired that I can’t bask in the day’s success.

turning around another file

My “job applications bag” tells my job application story in its own way. For the last two months, I’ve carried all materials together in the same bag. I have one folder per position, and other separate folders for all my basic materials. The labeled tabs face out only while an application is still pending. I turn them around when I’ve heard officially or unofficially that I’m no longer being considered. About 1/3 of my folders tabs are now turned backwards.

In the meantime, I have to listen to my next-door office neighbor’s phone ringing off the hook. He already has 3-4 interviews on his schedule for the next 2.5 months. He just stopped by to (apologetically) tell me that he’d talked to Huge State U on Friday afternoon. Neither I nor our 3rd colleague have heard anything from them. I’m happy for him, really I am. I didn’t really expect to hear from them, and still don’t think I’d particularly like being a faculty member there. He’d be a much better fit there than I would likely be.

I have lots of feelings about how the process has gone so far. I am not heartbroken about turning this file backwards in my bag. But, my heart is breaking anyway, with disappointment, sadness, embarassment, annoyance, and anger.

Disappointment. I’m disappointed that I’m not doing better, and that doing a postdoc seemingly hasn’t done enough to make me competitive on the market.

I’m disappointed that continuing to put up with all the s$%& I’ve put up with in the past few years seems to count for nothing, because I still feel like a 2nd class citizen in my own lab. I’ll continue to be disappointed if I have to stick around here for another year.

Embarassment. I’m embarassed that people who haven’t finished their Ph.D.s yet (i.e., a friend’s friend, who hasn’t yet finished her dissertation) are getting better responses than I am (e.g., more interviews at better places).

Sadness. I’m sad that my friends and colleagues feel like they can’t share their good news with me because they are afraid it will hurt my feelings or make me feel discouraged. It does, but I do my best to hide it when they’re around. I’m sad that my hubby is worried about my search because my colleague’s reception has been so much better.

Annoyance. I’m annoyed with all the stupid, arbitrary tasks & requirements that are part of the process. I wasted 12 hours (!) writing the mission statement response on Friday & Saturday. I won’t allow myself to speculate what else I could have accomplished with such a substantial chunk of time. Now I’m wasting time working on the job talk I might only give twice (once to my lab for practice, once over internet chat for a position about which I’m unenthusiastic).

I’m annoyed with myself for being disappointed, embarassed, and sad about not getting “great interviews” when I know I don’t want the kind of pressure that comes with those kinds of jobs.

Anger. I’m starting to get angry about the hierarchical nature of academia… that it’s all about power, and not really about educating students or doing high-quality research (this topic will be reserved for another post at a later date). I’m angry that the system is set up to sucker people in before they know that there are so few job options at the end. I’m angry that the men I know in my field receive way more interviews than the women I know in the field (small n, but still…).

I’m angry that I’ve sacrificed a lot in order to get this far and that it still apparently hasn’t been enough. I’m angry that even if it has been enough, I’ll have to sacrifice even more in order to continue to be at least moderately successful.

I’m starting to think that I deserve better than this, even it means changing careers just when this one should be *really* starting.

afraid I bombed most recent phone interview

Argh….. as the title suggests, I am very afraid I bombed my most recent phone interview, and unfortunately, it was for the job I want the most. I was nervous beforehand because I’d recorded the time incorrectly in my PDA, and was ready to talk with the committee 2 hours before the scheduled call. I’d also ended up taking my 3 pm dose of ritalin 20 minutes late which made my nervousness worse. By the time they called at 3.40, the noon dose was gone, but the 3 pm dose hadn’t really kicked in yet. Not a good start!

They asked 4 “scripted” questions and invited me to talk as little or as much as I’d like about each item. These included:

1. Why apply to Small Midwestern Liberal Arts College?
2. Which advanced seminar courses would you like to teach?
3. What types of problem students have you experienced in the past, and how have you dealt with them?
4. 1 other question I can’t remember at the moment…

Interestingly, there was no question about how I bring faith into the classroom or my research, which contradicts the warning posted on the Chronicle’s discussion forums.

I answered the four questions rather briefly, and had trouble formulating sentences ( hope I won’t end up kicking myself forever over a late dose of ritalin). I then had quite a bit of time to ask my own questions. This part of the interview was more conversational, and I tried hard to put my best foot forward throughout this section. At least by then the medication had started to work and I could form complete sentences. Toward the end, however, I admitted that I thought I was too brief/vague in my responses to the original four questions, and asked them if they had any follow-ups for me. They did (about the advanced seminar courses), and I stumbled through my answer on this. After that, I thought I’d better call it an interview, and asked about their search timeline, which is a standard cue for “I’m done asking questions.” They then asked me to write a 1-page response to the college’s 70+ page mission statement within the next 48 hours. It will be tight, but it can be done if I drop some other tasks. I just don’t know if it will be enough to keep me on their list. At least I’ll know if I totally bombed the interview shortly after thanksgiving; if they’re still interested, I’ll go there to interview before the end of the school year.

I’m trying to stay positive about my chances. I thought I did badly on another interview earlier and was still invited to do a follow-up presentation. Also, despite my nervousness/awkwardness, I still felt like I connected with the faculty on the other end of the phone. This is as important as how I answered the questions at some institutions. They seemed impressed by my materials, and I know my letters of recommendation are strong. Knowing this might not be enough to keep panic from setting in.

this won’t be awkward

My supervisor just poked his head in my door to say “Congrats! I just heard from Dr. so-and-so at Huge State U, and you’re on the short list!”

Interestingly enough, I am joined on said shortlist by my next-door office neighbor, and another former postdoc from my lab. No, this won’t be awkward, not one bit… kidding, of course!

I should know more by the end of the week. They are apparently going to narrow down the short list even further, and may call my supervisor back to ask additional follow-up questions about all three of us in order to make their decision.

initial interview recap

The face-to-face initial interview on Friday was not so great. The whole situation was awkward. Having talked to the department’s chair for almost an hour (and not having “clicked” with hu at all), I can honestly say that I’m not a good fit for the position. I do not think I will accept an interview invitation if they offer it.

In the meantime, I was contacted last week for phone interview #6, which will occur later this week. It’s with a research-oriented liberal arts college in the midwest. I’m pretty excited about this opportunity, because I’m a much better fit for this position, and it will let me take my research in an interesting, novel direction. There are also numerous personal advantages to this position in terms of quality of life, hubby’s work situation, and our cultural connections. Overall, this could be a good option!

Hubby is worried about my prospects because my Colleague is getting on-site interview invitations already, and I haven’t had any follow-up interest. Colleague has WAY more pubs than I do and is in a different sub-field, so I’m still trying to be realistic about my chances and optimistic about the better ones. Getting discouraged at this point of the process won’t do me any good, after all.

My supervisor asked Colleague and I to talk about the job search process as part of a small lab meeting tomorrow. This is ok with me, but I’m less motivated because he followed the request with “…I think you should talk about the teaching-oriented institutions because like you, [Female Grad Student] is probably a better fit for those positions.” The tone doesn’t come across in writing, but essentially he was saying that FGS and I belong to a lesser species. Interestingly, FGS was the only other person in the lab who, to my knowledge, was manipulated into finishing a paper in an unreasonably short period of time. Our supervisor even used the same strategy.

During the same conversation, I was invited to stay another year in the lab if I need to… but at this point, I’m really not willing to consider it.

feeling a bit better today

I am feeling a bit better today, thank goodness. I think it was the stress of the last few days combined with chemical/hormonal fluctuations and allergies. I forget sometimes that I’m allergic to dairy products because I hardly ever eat it, and consequently, hardly ever feel sick because of it. I had quite a bit of milk this past weekend, and it made me feel pretty crappy. I haven’t had any today and am feeling better so far.

In terms of recent stress, Hubby and I had a tough weekend. His travel department had messed up his plane tickets and Hubby had to run to the airport instead of attending his birthday party. Quite literally we were dashing out the door as our friends walked up to it to join us for dinner and cake. Hubby is terribly stressed and exhausted to the point that he’s not his usual jokey-happy-smiley self. Between this and the job market stress…. well, let’s just say that neither of us are having too much fun these days, and that we’re really looking forward to improvements in our situation!

There’s been another step forward on the job market in the last 24 hours. I’ve now set the “initial interview” meeting later this week. Small steps, small steps…

I think I could de-stress myself a bit if I were more comfortable with waiting…. waiting to hear about job applications, and pacing myself in terms of research. I keep telling myself that I need to be satisfied to go with the slow-moving pace of academia this year. It’s hard, as any ADDer can attest, regardless of career!

totally unmotivated (or, reaching a new mental low during the job search)

I’d planned to blog about the imposter phenomenon today, but it’s just going to have to wait until later in the week.

I have phone interview #5 tomorrow afternoon, and am totally stuck on preparing for it. I’ve been staring at a blank sheet of paper for 15 minutes and can’t think of any questions I want to ask the faculty interviewers tomorrow. Needless to say, this does not bode well for the interview itself.

Yes, I know I am burned out… believe me, I’ve been trying to just muddle through it for over a week now. I’m hoping that I’ll feel better after this week’s massage, haircut, and visit with a friend who is in town for a conference this week. Unfortunately all of these are scheduled after the phone interview, and thus cannot help me gear up for it.

I should feel excited about this interview because it’s with a great mid-sized state-funded university on the east coast. The teaching load is agreeable (3/3), and I’m starting to think that this would be a decent balance for me instead of all research all the time. We’d have our choice of airports, so Hubby would be able to keep his current job easily. Plus, we’d even be within a reasonable driving distance to a church of Hubby’s faith, something that will probably/definitely not happen anywhere else. From what I can tell over the internet, the community seems nice, but it’s just so urban/suburban. After 3 years in our mid-sized urban neighborhood, Hubby and I are definitely feeling the need to relocate to a place where we’d have more than 6 feet between our windows and our neighbors’ windows. I can’t definitively tell if this would be the case in the neighborhoods we can afford.

[Later]. I made up my list of questions. I’ll get through the interview and will take it as it comes.

I was just contacted for an informal “conference interview” (i.e., “If you will be at X conference later this week, we’d love to meet with you and talk about the position”). As it happens, I’m not going to the conference but live in the geographic area and can meet with them anyway. So I guess this means I could have two initial interviews this week instead of just one. At least I will have implemented my anti-burnout plan by the time the 2nd initial interview rolls around.

The bigger worry in this jumbled post… I am so burned out that I am totally unmotivated and am having trouble making myself work on much of anything at all. I can’t tell, however, if I’m just burned out after an extended high-stress period, or if this is leading to something worse (i.e., another episode of depression).

All I can make myself do is work on another couple of job applications…. one at a so-so college in my home state, and another at a small, strong college in another state. I am struggling to work on papers, even those that are nearly ready for submission. For example, my supervisor sent paper changes back to me over the weekend. For the most part they are pretty easy, yet today I have struggled to string together 2-3 coherent sentences about how we operationalized a particular construct. I certainly can’t make those sentences fit anywhere in the paper. Most of all… I just don’t *feel* like doing any of it.

What’s more is that I can’t tell if this is hormonal (e.g., PMDD-related, or due to the progesterone-only birth control pills I started taking 2 months ago) or situational. It’s probably both, but regardless, I can’t make it better if I don’t know what’s causing it.