paper’s finished

Enough said.

sheesh.

I’ve just been instructed that my list of job applications is too long, and received a request to edit the list as new opportunities are posted.

My interpretation: Somebody who happens to be my current boss is just too busy and too important to mail-merge too many letters for me over the course of a 4-5 month period. Sheesh. Good thing I didn’t expect customized letters!

There are 30 jobs on my list, which certainly doesn’t include ALL the jobs that have already been posted in my specific discipline. More are bound to be posted in the next 1-2 months. It’s not unusual for candidates to apply for 40+ positions, have 5-7 phone interviews, maybe 1-4 physical interviews, all of which may or may not lead to 1-2 offers.

Now I’m scared that I’ll be stuck here for longer than another, despite so much evidence that I need to be somewhere else. There’s unfortunately a good precedent for “getting stuck” in this lab. I’m willing to bet that this is at least part of the reason why my predecessor was on the market for 3 years in a row before securing a tenure-track position. This is extremely unusual, even for somebody as unusual as my predecessor. The market was bad those years, but it wasn’t that bad. I wonder if this also tripped up another postdoc who was on the market last year. That person ended up having to take a second postdoc at this university.

That outcome is just not acceptable.

working at night once the stims have worn off

In this career, it’s pretty typical to have to do extra work at home at night. While on the job market, it’s atypical NOT to have to work from home at night after working a full day. Taking work home has always been difficult for me for the usual range of predictable reasons, and I generally avoid doing it as much as possible.

It’s now entirely necessary that I work productively during the evening hours. Thus far it’s not going extremely well, probably mostly due to the fact that my afternoon dose of IR ritalin has fully worn off by the time I’ve eaten dinner and am ready to start working again.  I’m toying with the idea about talking to my doc about a lower 4th dose of ritalin on the days I need to work into the evening. In the past, however, she’s been less supportive of this because of sleep concerns (i.e., I need to get sleep and don’t perform up to par if it’s disrupted or reduced).
If you are able to work at home at night, how do you do it?

Perhaps more importantly, are you medicated while you work in the evening? If yes, can you then sleep at night once you’ve stopped working?

is the lab really “at risk” at all?

My malcontent has now simmered into a seething fury.

As it turns out, there is a “secret deadline” for the papers that hadn’t been communicated to anybody that is actually writing the papers. My paper doesn’t actually need to be submitted by Friday. It has to go out by mid-month. That’s it. Without my boss’s prod last week, I still would have been able to meet that deadline, and still could have finished my job materials first. I certainly could have saved myself a whole lot of stress in the process.

I was already ticked about being treated with so little respect, and now I’m even more mad because of the lie.

This is so not the way to motivate research staff or grad students into getting “their” work done on time… but is such a good way to make all staff want to bail ASAP.

I keep trying to self-examine my thoughts about this whole experience, and I still can’t entirely tell if I’m just annoyed about being held accountable (needlessly, might I add) or mad that I’m being treated like a dolt in the process of being held accountable. I’m inclined toward the latter at this point, because I don’t actually mind being responsible for my actions. Really, I’m cool with it, but I’d rather hold myself to them than have to tolerate being treated like a teenager (& not being allowed to defend my own actions and decisions) by somebody in the midst of an overreaction.

Maybe it’s my overreacting, but all in all, this makes me further question my “fit” for academia.  I already know that I’m facing an uphill battle because of my neurological quirks (i.e., it’s hard for me to work at night once the stimulants wear off, and 60-hour work weeks are pretty standard for academics). I think I’ve adjusted to that by setting reasonable goals for my next job, and continuing to structure my work day around times of peak productivity and downtimes. But is it enough to be at all successful?

This brings me to a final comment. One of the reasons I started this blog was to connect with other academics (or fledgling academics!) who are struggling with similar issues. I haven’t had such a great response. If you’re reading this and can contribute, please don’t hesitate to comment, etc. I’d still like to try to build a community (i.e., build a resource), versus treating this blog as my anonymous mouthpiece.

who’s really putting the lab at risk?

Just to be clear, I didn’t choose to be “grounded” at home to work on the paper due for submission at the end of this week. I want to get the paper done, but I want to be the one to set my priorities. Spending two days at home last week and a good chunk of this week frantically finishing this paper is not high on that list when I also need to have complete applications ready to go by the end of the week. The reason I stayed at home was because I was bullied into it, for lack of a better descriptor.

When I met with my boss last week, he mixed his “understanding boss” persona with his “hardass” one. His words: “You’re putting our entire lab at risk by dragging your feet on this paper, because it’s already listed as ‘under review’ on the grant application we submitted earlier in the summer.”

No pressure or anything. Just “It’s all your fault if we don’t get our grant funded because you don’t get your paper out on time.”

Needless to say, I’m growing very concerned that I’m being set up to take the blame if the grant isn’t funded following this round of reviews. This concern doesn’t seem unreasonable in this case.

The larger point is, who’s really putting the lab at risk in this situation? Is it me, the slow-writing postdoc who has way too many pots on the stove at the moment, or the people who actually submitted the grant application fully knowing that a good portion of the ‘under review’ papers were not yet written?

Granted, I should have gotten the paper out earlier than now. I accept this responsibility, even though the slow pace isn’t fully my fault. Ignoring the fact that other projects kept being dumped in my lap throughout the summer, there have been multiple roadblocks along the way that have blocked my progress at various stages of this particular manuscript. For example, the data coordinator on the west coast hasn’t been forthright about how certain observations were coded, and getting information from her is tantamount to pulling teeth very slowly. I probably won’t get certain necessary documentation from her until after the paper goes out later this week. It should go without saying that this is a problem… I should know how data were collected & coded before I run analyses, not afterwards!

Clearly having/keeping grant money is more important than having ethics. Is this really the best way to do scientific research? I honestly don’t think so. Regardless of my opinion, however, I just have to suck it up, get through it, and keep my mouth shut. While I’m putting the finishing touches on this manuscript later in the week, my boss will be mailmerging letters of recommendation on my behalf. Must keep my eye on the prize…

I’m grounded (day 2)

I’ve come to two conclusions based on my time at home over the past two days. The anxiety caused by the combination of ritalin and a cup of tea makes ADD overwhelm worse. Earlier today I reached advanced stages of ADD-overwhelm (Thanks to Jen Koretsky for a very timely post!). Unfortunately, at the point her suggestions weren’t working. Second, even if I’m not drinking tea, I do better with 3 daily 12.5mg doses of IR ritalin than 15mg doses. Naturally I had to cut my thumb during the discovery process (i.e., while using my pill splitter to cut 10mg IR ritalins into quarters).

I’m still plugging away at my introduction, which now has a logical structure. All the pieces are there (although I’m still not sure if the order is quite right), and now I just have to fill in the remaining blanks with specific findings, references, etc. I have to finish it before I go get a massage at 5. Hopefully better relaxation will lead to better sleep tonight.

Best of all, I had a great surprise about a half-hour ago… my hubby came home early! He left for the airport at 3 am, and arrived on our doorstep at noon. I’m so happy he’s home, even if we both still have to work for a few more hours. This means we’ll have an actual weekend together instead of just 30 hours (noon on Saturday to around 6 on Sunday). I think this will also do wonders for my state of overwhelm, stress level, and motivation… I’ll have to get this intro done so I can spend quality time with him tonight!

Cheers, and have a good weekend!

I’m grounded…

…by my boss, that is. I’m “assigned” to work at home for the next two days. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

I was supposed to have a paper ready to go out by now, but haven’t had time to do it.  All the grad students & postdocs in my lab and the two others involved in a particular longitudinal study were assigned to write papers over the summer. The entire purpose of this exercise was to bulk up a weak section in the grant application for continued NIH funding.  Everybody else is in good shape on their papers except for me. I have had many other deadlines and responsibilities over the summer, and kept running into roadblocks on this paper.

So now I’m at home for two days, and must finish the introduction & outline the discussion by the evening of Day 2. Yet true to form, it’s noon on Day 1 at home and I haven’t started working on it yet. I slept in (hooray!), talked to another alum from Big Rural University about a job opening in her department at Small Suburban Liberal Arts College, ate potato chips for breakfast, took a shower, did my hair, and sorted my articles for the paper. The file is open on my computer, but I just don’t want to deal with it.

The writing thus far hasn’t gone easily, despite the fact that it should go easily. This is essentially an extension of my dissertation, conducted with a younger sample & longitudinal data. I only need to write 3-4 pages of intro & revise what I’d already written. This shouldn’t be too difficult. So why is it so hard to really get going and just get it done?!?

stuck on the teaching philosophy

My emotional batteries are completely drained after the last couple of weeks. I’m trying to recharge them by gently working at home today. I can’t take the day off, but I can take it a bit easy. This won’t recharge my batteries entirely, but holding out until that happens is an exercise in futility.

Today I’m working on my teaching philosophy, which is more than half-finished. At the moment I’m stuck on the section about critical thinking (why I value it, and how I support it in the classroom).

Why I value it is easy: From my perspective, the primary purpose of a university education is to develop the ability to form and defend logical conclusions, particularly in the face of incomplete or conflicting information.

How I support it in the classroom is harder to define, particularly since lecture-oriented classes typically don’t support it. I know mine certainly haven’t.This means that a) I need to ‘fess up and tell the truth in my statement, emphasizing that I’m currently still developing this aspect of my instructional style, and b) I need to come up with concrete methods I plan to try first. This is where I’m stuck. Oh, and I need to tie it to clear written & oral communication, too.

I’m going to read a relevant chapter before proceeding any further. It should spur some ideas, I hope!

Another sticking point: it’s rather ironic that critical thinking is so important to me when I have to work really, really hard to keep my critical thinking on track when I’m having an ADD moment. I don’t know how, as an educator with ADD, I can facilitate my students’ critical thinking if/when I have an ADD moment in the classroom.

I also must power through revisions to the rest of my teaching portfolio today, which means I’m probably in for a long night.

The first batch of 30 applications should be ready to go sometime next week!

scattered updates

Some miscellaneous updates & thoughts midway through my day of working at home…

irst, I haven’t caught up my checkbook yet, but I did manage to sort my receipts into envelopes. Maintaining this as a system seems to be the best option for the time being, while I’m trying to accomplish so much else. I will catch up once the applications are submitted, and will spend my evenings chipping away on the thank-you notes instead.

econd, despite not reaching my checkbook goal, I ordered that much-desired piece of clothing anyway. This was mostly because the company sent a discount code. I’m posting about it here not to defend my decision to give in to temptation, but because I think I’ve found my ideal source for academia- and ADD-friendly casual clothing. It takes a while to get here from India, but it’s comfortable, cheap, easy care, and is figure-flattering while still being appropriate for casual days on campus.

I ordered two casual, work-appropriate cotton blouses (pictured at right; the dark blue one is being made in a lighter grayish blue). I also ordered two summer travel-friendly salwar kameez suits, in slightly different color combinations than are pictured at left. The aqua-pink one will instead have an aqua kameez trimmed in creamy off-white cotton, an off-white cotton dupatta with aqua trim, and off-white cotton trousers instead of salwar (baggy cuffed pants). The turquoise & white will be cornflower blue with white decorations, a white silk dupatta & white cotton pants instead of churidar (gathered stretch pants). Both kameez will be shorter. The aqua-cream one will have elbow-length sleeves. The cornflower one will have shorter cap sleves and a slightly deeper, round neckline. I don’t know that I’ll ever wear these while working, other than the days I work at home.

Grand total with shipping, less 15% discount: $83. No matter how much I bargain-shopped, there’s no way I could ever get 4 tops, 2 pairs of pants and 2 shawls (1 silk!) for that price in the USA.

I’m excited about my purchases, as comfortable & appropriate work and travel clothing can be hard to find locally. My goals aren’t so high, really, so it’s odd that what I like has to be custom made & shipped from India.

• I have established which colors suit me and wear them instead of other colors that don’t suit me, even if it means I’m unfashionable.
• I like natural fibers & must be comfortable in my everyday clothes in order to function well. Like other ADDers, I have some tactile issues. If my clothing isn’t comfortable, I often can’t focus on anything else! Female ADDers, take note… one of the best things about clothing from S2 Fashions is comfortable tags.
• I don’t like being overly dressy, and I like being able to coordinate my casual tops with jeans or chinos.
• For the last few years, I’ve found it extremely difficult to find casual clothing that is appropriate and suits 30-something me. Kurti fit and flatter without being too revealing, which is great because I don’t like to show skin at work. Apparently it’s a no-no to show cleavage in India, because kurti consistently have higher, non-gaping necklines. The longer-length tops help me feel more comfortable when I wear lower-rise jeans around the office. The longer, curvier style tops suit my shape, too (I’m normal weight & average… not big but not model-thin either). The tops nip in at the waist and flare above & below. Overall, I can avoid showing skin that doesn’t need to be seen while I’m at work without wearing a potato sack, and still feel attractive in the process.

When it comes to travel, I refuse to fly in anything made from synthetic fabrics, that has any constricting design elements, or is difficult to clean. Who cares about how cotton wrinkles? Nobody comes off of international flights looking freshly pressed, anyway!

P.S. I cut my hair this weekend for the first time since the wedding. 4 inches are now history, and I’m happy to be short-haired Dr. Addled once again.

adding yet another task to the pile…

The good news is that I have complete drafts of my c.v. and research statement. I have a poster proposal ready for submission, and it will go out tomorrow morning. My teaching philosophy is about half-written, and most of the rest of my teaching portfolio can be copied over from my first time on the market. I’ve made progress on the other conference submission (handed it off to my coauthor), and am stuck on my other #1 priority paper until I hear back from our statistical consultant.

The bad news is that I haven’t accomplished much else all week, mostly due to prepping the research and teaching statements.

But other work tasks don’t stop just because I’m going on the market. Plus, being on the market adds a sense of urgency about finishing dangling tasks before the application packets start going out in the mail. Consequently my desktop task list is 1.5 pages long.

On top of the job market tasks, the phone keeps ringing, or colleagues keep emailing with problems. They need data (including data that’s not my responsibility!), or they need help with analyses, etc. But I’m terribly behind in data-management tasks that actually pay the bills, and have 6 in-prep manuscripts that badly need attention.

At least when I get pleas for analytic help, I get something out of it (i.e., authorship credit on a paper), although it usually seems that the help they need ends up requiring a lot more time than they initially project.This happened today, actually. Earlier in the week, my predecessor emailed me an article and asked “What do you know about bootstrapping indirect effects in path models? And have you ever heard of this ‘Meeker test?’” I wrote back that I hadn’t & that somebody else in the lab has experience with bootstrapping. I printed the article for future reference and stuck it into one of my stats books. A day later, he emailed again with another follow-up question about a statistical package he apparently doesn’t know. This went on and so forth, until today when he’d finally convinced me that I could do the analyses he needs in 10 minutes. Yes, I actually believed this…. until his next email, when it became clear that it’s actually going to be 6 models, which will in turn replace 72 smaller analyses. I should have known better, because I’d told this colleague months ago that he needed to switch his analytic strategy to something more parsimonious. The reviewers agreed, and now he’s on board for better models. Consequently, this will involve rewriting most of the results, changing tables to figures, etc… and since he doesn’t know the software, or how to read or interpret the output, a lot of this is going to fall in my lap. Need I even say that this is going to take a lot more than 10 minutes of my time?

I’m already so strapped for time that I’m not sure it’s worth authorship credit. The paper is already “R&R” at a good journal, but even good chances don’t outweigh the time and effort this is going to take. I’m already at the office for 9 hours/day and still can’t get through my current list. What’s it going to be like with another time-limited task in the mix?

I’ll stop whining now. I’ve just taken on too much all at once and just have to keep working to get through it. It’s just a bit ironic that this occurred during a time I’ve been trying really hard to get things finished & off my list.

Do you find that more gets added at the times you need less? If you’ve found a way to keep this from happening, how do you do it?